Up up and away! By: Reverend   Mar 07-2005 Oh, that's right. I don't have any superpowers. Boy, do I have egg on my face now. Here I was all set to soar over the skyscrapers like some kind of metropolitan eagle, or leap from building to building like lily pads in a frog pond. Instead, I'm hurdling towards my bloody doom. Hear that? Those are sirens in the distance, barely audible over the sound of wind rushing through my ears. Innocents are in danger, and a super powered hero sure would've come in handy right about now. Imagine tomorrow's headlines had I dropped down from above and saved the day! I might have gotten a medal, or the mayor could even have given me the keys to the city. I'm just going to look like an idiot who jumped off a balcony, now. I don't think they give medals for that. Hey, this must be an office building. I just passed a girl in a navy pinstripe suit doing some photocopying. She was looking my way and probably checked me out. X-ray vision would have been nice there. I think she was cute, but at this speed she could have been a stand lamp. It would be so cool if I had the ability to swing from building to building using cord-like strands that shot from my wrists. I would wear a dark navy suit like that lamp, but with a mask and the media could call me Beetleman. Then, I'd swing over to where those criminals are committing dastardly deeds and put them on ice. They'd shoot at me, of course, but my ultra hard beetle-like plating will deflect the small arms fire with ease. That is, if I had plating. The ground looks small and far away and the people look like ants. Wow, they get bigger fast! Maybe I'll land on a criminal. They are a cowardly and superstitious lot. Of course, I'll also need superhuman strength if I'm going to be swinging around the city like that. Otherwise, the sticky cords will rip my arms right off. It wouldn't be very amazing or even spectacular if my body hit the pavement while one of my arms was dangling off a flag pole, the other hanging down from a building. Hey, I think I have the absolutely ordinary ability to splatter my inside parts all over the street! It seems to be activated when I impact on concrete at break-neck speeds. There were heroes who had the special power to travel at these kinds of speeds anytime they wanted. I think they could stop anytime though, while I can only stop suddenly when I hit the ground. This will be slightly less fantastic. Do you think some bits of me will hit that bank all the way over there? I bet I'll get a great splatter radius. Telekinesis could have saved me. I wouldn't want it so powerful that I could rip this building from its foundations and hurl it at the evildoers. That would be dangerous, and there's not much glory in beating up a bank robber with a skyscraper. I want a good fight, so the news has something exciting to show. Right now, I'd take telekinesis so weak that it could only slow me down just enough not to break all the bones in my body. I'd be happy with a broken wrist and some cracked ribs, then I'd save the day. That's heroic. A healing factor really wouldn't do me much good in this situation. No healing factor I ever heard of could repair a body that was so thinly spread over a large area. If I was part of some kind of super group, my allies would carefully collect all the bits and gunk and place them in a special glass container filled with an unidentified fluid. It would take a few weeks but before you knew it I'd be back to my old self again, cracking wise with the cute flame-powered red head. Instead, I'm looking at an empty casket funeral. I was so sure those were gamma rays I was exposed to when my microwave exploded the other day. They burned me badly, but it doesn't seem like they activated any special powers or mutations. I always knew I should have been an astronaut. Astronauts are exposed to cosmic radiation, and cosmic radiation does the trick. Teleportation! Now, that'd be the power to have. First I'd be here, and then there, and then your ass is officially kicked. I suppose leaving this mortal world and entering the eternal realm is kind of like teleportation. Instead of a subtle "paf" sound followed by a soft yellow glow, this ability will produce an awful crunching noise followed by a fine red mist. Maybe I'll die and come back to life. All the big heroes pulled it off. So, I'll guess I'll be seeing you?