Celestial Truth Pt. 1 By: Reverend   Feb 20-2005 My brothers and sisters, I would first like to thank you for coming tonight. I know that many of you have doubted your faith, and it is clear why. Tyrants rule the nations of the Earth, and you are surrounded by corruption and lawlessness. In these times of woe, you may even have lost your job, or have had your loved one turn against you in your time of need. There seems to be no hope for the future. But take heart! Here I stand before you, and tell you that I have been given hope. I will share that hope with you all, freely. I have been shown a sign. A burning beacon, which I will take to the people of all lands and use to rekindle the fires of passionate devotion. I have indeed received a benediction of the purest bliss. Surely you have heard the smooth, funky R & B styling of the musical band Maroon 5? Tonight, with the highest levels of sincerity and joy, I tell you that when a lady of sufficient experience and virtue hums out the much beloved nation anthem "Oh, Canada" on my manly organ, tracks from that bands debut album "Songs About Jane" are reproduced exactly. There has never been an example of divine intervention this powerful, or this moving, since biblical times. The miracle, once properly documented and shared with all of humanity, will brilliantly illuminate the holy truth. There is a supreme being, and he surely must be both wise and benevolent. As you all have heard me preach time and again, he has chosen my mannish truncheon to be the earthly vessel of his eternal message. I see the shocked looks on your faces, and I readily confess that I expected nothing else. I was equally surprised when this noble damsel who, after a night of being treated with all the gentleness and charm that those I choose to pursue have come to enjoy, took it upon herself to pleasure me in this way. While I was fully prepared to encounter the tumultuous joy and ubiquitous satisfactions I normally experience during this act, I was not prepared for the grooving keyboards and catchy guitar riffs showcased by the chart-topping pop band Maroon 5. Truly, this is not only a confirmation of our faith, but also a confirmation of the righteousness of the sound produced by Adam Levine and his four band mates. Not to mention utter proof of the piety, worthiness, and divine nature of my monstrous rod. I know the burning question that is nagging your minds, distracting you from the wonder of this great miracle, like a many-layered wedding cake baked with curdled milk. The question is this: if it is indeed true, if the miracle is real, then in what order are the songs played? The order in which they appear on the album? The order that the singles were released in? The answer is neither. The order in which the tracks are played appeared, at first listen, to be random, but as I studiously duplicated the miracle over the next few hours questing selflessly for enlightened understanding, I came to believe this is not the case. I believe the succession of songs, when played in this manner, represents a divine order, the order in which the songs were originally ordained to be played by the supreme being at the moment of creation. Wondrous. My brothers and sisters, we can only speculate at the curative powers of the crooning sounds that my infinitely holy and masculine baton produces when treated in this manner. I tell you truly, a withered rose, whose morose beauty decorated my coffee table, was restored to both youth and vigor during the melodious piano solo contained in the hit "Sunday Morning". I assure you all, the total good this miracle will affect on the world is both incalculable and unknowable, except by the one who predestined it. I have surely been blessed to be the purveyor of this venerated message, this saintly sign. It appears that the foundational assertion upon which our virtuous faith has been hinged is substantiated at last. That assertion is, of course, the celestial nature of my considerable manhood. So far, the witnesses to this most sacred of audible revelation has been limited only to the formerly mentioned noble damsel, and myself. We will not selfishly hoard it, keeping it only for ourselves. That would be the very heart of blasphemy. My most passionate wish and most ardent desire is to share this boon, first with the ladies of the parish, and then, when the nature of this sweet miracle has been revealed in its entirety, with the world. Should any of the engaging, alluring and pious missus' of the crowd wish to privately explore this phenomenon, please line up in front of my office after the service. Nothing less than an earthly nirvana awaits you. Let us pray.