Reverend Comics #5

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Ghostbusters

I will not be seeing Star Wars: The Phantom Menace in 3D when it comes out.

It's not because I don't like Star Wars, I do, very much so.

It's because Phantom Menace is a steaming pile of shit dropping right out of George Lucas' butt onto the heads of every Star Wars fan.

"Comin' Attcha in threeee-D!" - Jar Jar Binks

The culmination of our philosophy

I'm thinking of becoming a hard right-wing conservative politician. l'll run on a platform of eliminating all goodness from the world, leaving only a grey dreariness.

Those assholes will eat it the fuck up at the primaries.

I got the shakes

"Don't shove a nine inch vibrating dildo up my ass and yell 'Earthquake!'"

Bricklayer

"Don't brick in my mouth and tell me it's a Butterfinger!"

Light showers

"Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining!"

I'm hip to your subculture!

One day, someone will say to me:

"I was into yoga before it was cool."

And I'll reply:

"Not me, I jumped on the bandwagon."

I Want to Believe

Have you ever watched the second X-files movie? I watched it today.

The first X-files movie was trash, and I was expecting this one to be more of the same, but sometimes a trashy sci-fi movie can be fun to watch and that was what was in my head when I turned it on.

But it was actually pretty good. A lot of people didn't seem to like it very much, but I think the main reason it was panned so hard was that X-files fans were still so disappointed with the first one, and they were seeing it through the lens of their disappointment.

This one was low budget, seemed to come at a weird time after the show's been cancelled for so long and after the last one was so poor. It's understandable no-one wanted to give it a chance, but if you liked the X-files show, I think you'll like this movie too, because the old X-files magic, what people liked about the TV show and was missing from the first movie, is back in this movie.

Most movies based on TV shows suffer from the same problem. What you can do on a TV show is limited, there tends to be serious time and budget restrictions. What is done on the show tends to be as much a result of these limitations as the vision of the show's creator, but the impact these restrictions have on the show become part of what the audience know and like about it.

X-files is a good example of this. I bet Chris Carter would have loved to have tons of aliens, space ships, high-technology and stuff like that, but they didn't have the money for it. Instead, we get a gritty show with lots of realism that suggests the existence of a hyperintelligent alien race but never really shows them to us. This can be a really good technique, and not only for budget concerns. It lets the audience use their imagination to fill in the blanks and creates resonance, and I think it worked really well for movies like Contact and 2001: A Space Odyssey.

In any case, it was part of what people liked about X-files. The definitive evidence of alien life Mulder was searching for always seemed just outside his grasp, and we felt his frustration. We also saw Mulder through everyone else's eyes, how he seemed desperate and pathetic, dedicating his life to the search for something that didn't exist, all the while hoping he'd find something that would lead him to his sister who everyone else thought was dead.

That was only part of what made people like the show. The other part was how we were never sure if Mulder was right or not. We were given hints that he might be, but nothing really tangible, so we had to make up our own minds about whether to go along with him, just like the characters in the show did. All this created a lot of good dramatic tension for the audience.

The first X-files movie didn't have any of this. The aliens are right there, we can see them and their technology, and we know what their plan is. This is jarring for an audience that was left to imagine their own aliens for all these years. Worse, the characters don't all get to see them, so they're still not sure what to think, and it creates a big disconnect between how the audience is seeing Mulder and how the other characters are seeing him that was never there before.

This completely destroys what people liked about X-files, what they were going to the theater to see. I think when people thought about a big-budget X-files movie and got excited, they were thinking about something closer to Contact, and what we got was something more like Terminator or Independence Day, but where those movies were good, this one wasn't because that kind of thing didn't suit the characters or the setting.

I think the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies all suffer from this problem as well. The budget and time considerations that were pressing when they were making the TV show were gone, and this combined with pressure to make a big blockbuster movie with wider appeal than the show led to action scenes with Beverly Crusher wielding a blaster rifle. Everything people liked about the show was gone, and because the characters were forced into situations that they didn't belong in, the movies were bad in general.

When making a movie about a TV show, the smart director does one of two things:

1) Doesn't try to emulate what people liked about the show and instead makes a new movie that works in it's own right that's only tangently related to the show. These movies often disappoint the hard core fans of the show, but can sometimes otherwise be pretty good. Examples of this kind of thing are Lost in Space and the new Star Trek movie.

2) Forgets about making a big blockbuster and takes what worked on the show and tries to put it on the big screen, making something akin to a new episode of the show with higher production values and no commercials. If it's done well this can appeal to fans of the show, but won't have the broader appeal that the ones funding the movie might be looking for. This kind of thing is probably only going to see a limited theater release, or even be direct-to-DVD, but that isn't always the case and the most well-known example is probably the Sex in the City movie.

The Next Generation movies and the first X-files movie suck so bad because they try to merge these two approaches, taking what was on the show and trying to make a big blockbuster with it. Trying to please everyone, they make something that is universally reviled.

The second X-files movie takes the second approach, and does it pretty well I think. If you didn't watch the show, or didn't like it, then you should probably pass. This movie has all the old X-files magic that was missing from the first one, I think, so if you did like the show, I think you should give this movie a shot.

I'll understand if you don't. If you liked the show, the first movie felt pretty much like a punch to the crotch and people don't tend to line up for that a second time.

Then again, sometimes they do.

Censor this, you *bleep*ing *bleep*!

"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it." - Mark Twain, perhaps.

This quote has been floating around the internet in connection to the new censored edition of Twain's book "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn".

By people who haven't thought that out very well.

Controversy has long been attached to this book, due to it's use of the words "nigger", "injun" and the minstrel show-style jokes at Jim's expense.

Specifically, it's been questioned, not unreasonably in my opinion, whether books that use the word "nigger" to refer to black people should be used in classrooms, especially in countries with a history of slavery and segregation.

This is a great book. You should read it. It should be used in classrooms. If the word "nigger" is keeping it out of the classroom, then an edition that replaces that word with "slave" sounds like a fantastic idea to me, one that is long due. I hardly think anything is ruined by the change.

Back to the quote.

Since the change was made in order to get the book back into the classrooms from which it was banned, then using this quote to protest it doesn't make any God-damned sense.

Because we're not talking about what's acceptable consumption for adults.

If the original Huck Finn is the steak in the quote, and the new edition baby food, then everything is great, because it's intended for children.

There are still plenty of original versions being printed if you don't happen to be a teacher trying to introduce some kids to a great book.

There's still lots of steak to go around.

P.S.

Carl Sagan smoked weed everyday.

The Reverend's Manifesto

There is no reason to believe there is a God, and if anyone tells you there is, they're lying, certainly to you, and probably to themselves, as well.

There is also no reason to believe there isn't. Anyone who says there is, is engaging in behavior identical to the kind I described above.

No one can tell you whether there is or isn't; no scientist can ever offer up any evidence at all. The question is simply outside the realm of science. That is what Pierre-Simon Laplace meant when he said he had no need for the hypothesis.

Science can tell us about as much about the existence of God as theology can tell us about the atomic weight of helium. Nothing.

They are like two lines that never touch. So how can they contradict each other? They can't, and anyone who suggests they can is a moron.

Despite science being unable to help, I don't think anyone would say the question is an unimportant one, and so it still must be considered.

Think of a person that you love. How do you know that you love them? There is no way to. You just know. No scientist will ever be able to tell you whether or not you love someone.

The connection between what shows up on a PET or MRI scan of the brain while a person is feeling affection and what the actual experience of love is, is much more tenuous than what many neurologists (not to mention people with only a fleeting understanding of the matter!) would have you believe.

A brief warning. My next statement is harsh.

The debate between Darwinian evolution and religion, and everyone who engages in it, is stupid. Stupid!

The science Darwins, for one, don't seem to know how scientific hypothesis' and theories work. The minute someone has something that explains observable behavior better, poor Charles Darwin will be out on his ear. How's that for loyalty!

For the religious anti-evolution types, please realize your holy books were written from the perspective of a much earlier culture with limited information.

No one would have understood Genesis six thousand years ago if it talked about evolution and the Big Bang, so it uses metaphorical language and allegory to explain complex concepts such as the creation of the universe, so it could be read by the people of the time. Even if it was directly divinely inspired by God, that wouldn't make Her fallible, only practical.

So don't be an idiot.

The debate is mostly carried on by people who don't know very much about either subject, excepting a small number of truly detestable zealots on either side. People who lack self-awareness, people should know better, but don't!

Don't be like the zealots.

People say that religion causes intolerance and wars, pain and suffering! You don't like pain and suffering, do you?

That is, of course, also stupid.

People have found reasons to kill each other for all of human history. Religion was only used as an excuse when it was the most convenient one around (a time period which includes most of recorded history). It's no longer convenient (at least in Western nations) but war has hardly petered out.

The biggest war ever was the Second World One and completely secular. The most destructive weapons ever used were the atomic bombs dropped on Japan and those were also secular, but very scientific.

Science and technology has given us more pain and suffering than enough, hasn't it? Pollution, plane crashes, torture devices, the electric chair. Without a little S&T, humanity would never have gained the capability to destroy most of the life on Earth, which it now possesses.

But you can't question the value of science because of its misuse by a small number of shortsighted humans, right?

About as much as you can judge the existence of God as creator of the universe based on how many priests are pedophiles and how angry you are about it.

In case I haven't been clear, both views are stupid. Incredibly, devastatingly stupid.

The truth is, most people make this decision based on experiences they can barely remember, such as liking the lustrous glow of the wood of the pew and smell of the incense at church, or not liking them, or being yelled at by a nun for no good reason, which hurt your feelings.

Of course, that's no excuse. Succumbing to that sort of thing is the same as admitting you are an automaton with no control over yourself.

Which is how many people live their lives. Don't be like them!

This is unquestionably a rant addressed to no one in particular. I'm slightly ashamed for engaging in this sort of behavior, but that won't stop me from posting it. It's very cathartic.

So, how do you know if there is a God or not? You don't. You can't. How do you account for most of humanity believing there is, as long as there has been humans?

Clearly this is a different kind of belief then dancing can make it rain, that witches have third nipples or that you can sweat out toxins. Things like that are limited and local, both in space and time, and can easily be disproved, while belief in God isn't any of those.

I have a theory. Remember when I asked how you know whether you love someone? I think most people, no matter their background, have a sense that God is real in exactly the same way, using the same kind of knowing.

I think you know the feeling I mean. I think you've felt it.

Some people begin to feel insecure about whether it's really there. After all, like any feeling, you can't feel it all the time, but you don't need to in order for it to be valid. It doesn't mean it's gone. It makes them feel like they've been betrayed, that the feeling duped them into believing something untrue, or else they fear it will disappear forever someday and they need to shore it up.

It's from these insecurities zealots of both types are born.

I trust that feeling and believe that God is really there.

I would encourage you to try it out too if you haven't, but only because I think it's really great. I think spirituality has it's own rewards.

But I'm pretty sure the source of this feeling, God, won't hold it against you if you don't. And neither will I.

But Holy Shit.

Stop this stupid, idiotic Science vs. God debate before I really fucking lose my mind.

Chief Engineer

Memorable Geordi LaForge quotes:

"There's only one 'I' in engineer, that's why I'm in charge of you guys." - Geordi to his engineering team.

A proven scientific fact.

Headline!

"Atheists turn away from science as scientists discover atheists will burn in a pit of unquenchable fire after they die."

Blast Off!

If I were the first man on the moon, I'd be a mix of Louis Armstrong and Lance Armstrong.

Two Freckles Past A Hair

If I were a position on the clock, I'd be a mix of Hammertime and Tool Time.

A powerful alchemy

If I were a hammer, I'd be a mix of Captain Hammer and M.C. Hammer.

Aye Captain

If I were a Captain, I'd be a mix of Captain Reynolds and Captain Picard.


Or perhaps Captain Morgan and Captain Crunch.





Or maybe Captain Planet and Captain Kangaroo.

I could go on this way for all time.

Immaturity

So, the next time you are very sure of an opinion

Or a fact

Remember this

5 year olds don't know shit about shit

The Good News

Most of your history is a lie

Your brain created in such a fashion that your neurons contain information about events that never happened

There is good news here

You may invent any history that you like

And believe in it

It will fit right in with the rest of the false history

There is no difference

Once

In high school

I slept with Rachel Weisz

I was awkward and nervous

It was my first time

But I remember!

Yes, you remember many things before 2005. Memory isn't an indication of reality, however.

You remember movies, the plots of books.

Not watching or reading them, but what happened to the people in them, and where.

You can remember things you've imagined.

"No!" You say, "I remember imagining those things."

Yes, but you also remember the things you imagined, separate from the memory of imagining them.

I am currently aware of large amounts of biographical information concerning fictitious people.

Only those things you remember after 2005 have a chance of having happened.

And then, only just a chance.

Conspiracy Theories

It's true, the moon landing was faked.

9/11 too.

The truth is

the entire world was created whole

exactly like it is

five years ago.

Everything before 2005 is a lie.




I have proof.

Trespass!

Today's our first day on our trip across Canada. I'm sitting in my tent, about 30km away from a small town called Chipman in rural New Brunswick.

We're illegally camped on an old dirt road called Baghdad, which I take as a good omen. We left Halifax at about 2:00 in the afternoon and we drove for about 5 hours.

I'm typing this out on my phone, the way I plan to do all blog posts on this trip. Not my iPhone; I had one of those, but it's gone now. No, I'm using the Google branded Nexus One superphone, which I love very much.

I thought my iPhone was great when I first got it, but the more time I spent with it, the more it's flaws became glaring to me. These were the usual stuff: no access to the file system, no ability to download non-store apps, and Adobe seemed to be banned for life.

I was already chaffing at the limitations my own phone, which I bought with money, was imposing on me. Then, someone told me the solution to my woes: I could jailbreak it.

Jailbreak? Really? Why did I want to own a device that is in jail by default? Furthermore, it seems the operation is temporary only. Apple actively fights to rejail all the liberated phones, and their weapon of choice is updates which they hold hostage until you go back into your cell.

So, I learned about Android phones and decided the Nexus One was the best a Canadian like me could get. Some tech sites recommended the almost identical HTC Desire instead, but to get the right bands I would have had to order the Australian one, and they still didn't have all the right bands.

The Nexus One is awesome. You think you know Google Maps? You don't. What Google saved for their own toy is spectacular.

Anyway. It took a couple of weeks to come, then I sold my iPhone. It was no trouble for Telus to connect my new phone to my contract and number. Also, it turns out that iPhones might be the easiest things in the universe to unload. It was easy.

The first thing I did when I got my Nexus was to unlock the bootloader, install a custom recovery and root it. This allowed me to install custom operating systems, which I've done. I'm running one right now.

Not only do I have access to the file system, I've overclocked the processor. On my phone.

Heck, one guy even got Windows 95 to run on the Nexus. I hope it works better than on PCs.

I Have So Much To Say

I am finally back, and so much has changed. I don't know where to start.

I'm a nurse, I've found true love, and I embark on adventures. I have found the power to do whatever I please, although I am only beginning to use it.

I'm going to give you a little preview of what I'm going to talk about in the future. I love technology; I'm going to talk about that.

I've just begun discovering my spirituality, one uncontained by boundries. I've found God is real and Her law of compassion exists, felt by every human whether they want it or not.

My partner and I are about to quit our jobs and drive across Canada. We've been saving for awhile. Whatever doesn't fit in my car is getting tossed. We haven't planned much of the trip; we're going to discover it as we go.

Reading fiction has always been my hobby. Recently, I've started writing it to and I'm going to keep going. Tied into that creative aspect is my love of table-top roleplaying games. I like to run and play them, and I'll talk about it here when I do.

I'm just beginning to discover these things, and it's a journey others can take with me here.